First Post – Oxford/Cambridge Interview

In Laugh
Dec 18th, 2006

We all know the old saying, “Given a million monkeys with a million typewriters and a million years, one of them will reproduce the works of Shakespeare.” Well a co-worker once told me that this wasn’t true and the proof was the Internet, especially the blogs. So this is going to be my contribution to the millions of helpless monkeys.

Most of my posts will deal with politics/current issues, but sometimes it will be just about stuff I’ve observed in the world around me. Or it could be about other stuff I find interesting. I hope you will like this blog.

While flying home from Chicago, I bought a copy of Harper’s Magazine because I wanted to read the cover article. It was a really good article about how the right wing of this country are trying to “re-write” history in regards to Christianity and our Founding Fathers. The article was written by Jeff Sharlet. I would suggest reading this article if given the chance. Harper’s may eventually post it here. The article is titled “Through a Glass, Darkly”.

Anyway that article is not the subject of this post. While reading that issue I came across a listing of Oxford and Cambridge interview questions in an article titled “How High?” I thought it would be fun to answer these questions here (and show you how twisted my brain is).

What is your opinion of spontaneous human combustion?
– Given enough fat, anything in life is possible.

Why don’t we have just one ear in the middle of our face?
– Beside the fact that we would be fucking ugly, you wouldn’t able to tell in which direction sounds were coming.

Are you your body?
– I know I’m not your body, buddy (I suppose you were expecting some deep explanation about body and soul).

How can reindeer tell the difference between spring and autumn?
– That bastard Santa lets the reindeer go free in the spring and then enslaves them again in autumn. I think that is noticeable to a reindeer.

What percentage of the world’s water is contained in a cow?
– Not much, but much of the world’s methane is produced by that same cow.

If you had to send three things to a group of isolated tribespeople that would immediately convey to them what it means to be “French,” what would you choose.
– Naked pictures of French women (hairy pits and all), croissants, and wine.

Has the French Revolution ended?
– Does any good revolution really ever end, besides the French are still so rude so the answer is no.

Can the American political system be compared to feudalism?
– Yes, there is the nobility (Republican and Democrat politicians) and the serfs (everyone else).

Was Russia just too damn big for democracy?
– No, the people obviously didn’t want it enough.

If Buddhism teaches nonattachment, how can China, one of the biggest Buddhist countries in the world, be so materialistic?
– More materialistic that the United States? Is it really materialistic to want to stand out in a sea of 1.3 billion people?

Do you think Neanderthals understood the concept of death?
– They’re dead aren’t they, if they don’t understand it now there is no hope for them.

What about fatalism?
– Again, they extinct so the point is moot.

Isn’t golf based entirely on luck?
– Yes, Tiger continues to win because he’s the luckiest S.O.B. on the planet.

Why do the English like cricket so much?
– They go well with grasshoppers on crumpets.

If you had a rugby match, an orchestra concert, and a piece of homework, how would you prioritize them and why?
– Rugby, orchestra, homework. Homework is always the least important thing in the world. The orchestra would pass rugby if I could be promised that someone is getting hit over the head with a tuba.

If you were a rat, what would be the most important thing to you?
– Cheese.

How comfortable is that chair?
– My ass seems to like it.

Do you like Birmingham?
– Alabama is full of red necks, oh you mean England. Never been to either so I couldn’t say for sure.

Would you describe drinking tea, eating roast beef, and hitting schoolchildren as “traditional British values”?
– What kind of society drinks tea while eating roast beef?

If there were three beautiful, naked women stranding in front of you, which would you choose?
– All three, duh!

If you could wave a magic wand and eradicate all Third World problems though this would cause all medical research and development to stop, would you?
– Are you kidding? They’ll figure out their problems eventually and maybe we’ll advance medicine far enough to put them all back together again.

What is wrong with the sentence “Here comes Bob”?
– What’s wrong with you for asking such a stupid, meaningless question?

How would you compare Stephen Hero and Stephen Daedalus to Beavis and Butt-Head?
– Like, huh huh, Joyce, huh huh totally sucks. Turn on, huh huh, MTV or something you dill weeds.

Does language exist?
– I’m writing this aren’t I?

How do we know 1 + 1 = 2 if the concept of numbers was in fact invented by humans?
– Good question. If you have one stick and add another stick to it you have two sticks. You can call it whatever you want, hell you can call it three, you can call it frog, but it’s still “two”.

How does a perm work?
– How do we make them not work, especially on men?

What is a tree?
– Something to hug.

How would you design a better brain?
– Who left out the freaking laser beams?

Is it possible for a society to exist in which everyone lies all the time?
– Isn’t this the way politicians live, especially Republican politicians?

What would make anyone want to settle in a place such a Iceland?
– Change the name maybe?

Why do archaeologists love pots so much?
– ‘Cause they like to get high (c’mon that was too easy).

Why couldn’t you time a pendulum for 10,000 swings by watching it with a timer?
– I could also sit around and watch grass grow but I fucking don’t.

Why do few Americans believe in evolution?
– There’s too much evidence so it must be a vast left wing, secular conspiracy.

How would you design an experiment to disprove the existence of God?
– I’ll design my experiment disproving God when someone designs an experiment proving the existence of God.

Why do black men say that white men can’t rap?
– To compensate for their small penises?

Was Augustus just an arrogant child?
– Who really knows, but I do believe he was a bastard.

Were Russian peasants mystically connected to the country side?
– If Native Americans can be, why not Russian peasants.

How would you explain Naomi Cambell’s life?
– Why would I waste any of my life trying to explain hers?

Was Hitler really evil?
– Is the Pope Catholic, does a bear shit in the woods, is Michael Jordan a great basketball player, really I could go on and on.

Are you cool?
– What do you think mother fucker?

I think you’d have to agree both Oxford and Cambridge would be fighting to see which one of them would be graced by my presence.

This post was originally posted under my old Blogger account and has been reposted here backdated to its original posting date (how many versions of “post” can I put into a sentence).