A Joke

By MOJO
In Laugh
Jan 9th, 2007
0 Comments
586 Views

At the end of 2006, James Brown, Gerald Ford, and Saddam Hussein all died within a week of each other. Below is the three of them meeting St. Peter outside the Pearly Gates.

James Brown, Saddam Hussein and Gerald Ford all die and are standing outside the Pearly Gates in front of St. Peter.

St. Peter standing behind his podium addresses each man in the order of their arrival.

St. Peter says to James Brown, “Mr. Brown. It says here that you were convicted of armed robbery, you were a habitual drug user, and it also says that you beat your wife. Is what it says here in my Book of Lives true? And what the fuck’s the deal with that hair?”

James Brown mutters, “Uh-huh, get on witch ya bad self.”

St. Peter replies, “For what reasons should I open the Pearly Gates and let you into the Kingdom of Heaven? In other words Mr. Brown, do you have anything to say in your defense?”

James Brown jumps up and shouts, “Ju got, ju got, ju got what I need St. Peter. Zippity zap gibber jap, jump back and kiss myself. Whaaaaaaaaa!!!” With that James Brown flashes that famous James Brown smile and looks up at St. Peter.

St. Peter pushes the green button on his podium, the Pearly Gates open, St. Peter motions James Brown to enter and then the gates slam shut upon Mr. Brown’s entry.

St. Peter next turns his attention to Saddam Hussein. “Mr. Hussein. It says here that you waged war against Iran, you invaded Kuwait, you gassed your own people and that you were personally responsible for the deaths of thousands upon thousands of people. Is what it says here in my Book of Lives true? Could your mustache possibly be any bigger?”

Saddam Hussein responds, “These are lies fabricated by those infidels the Americans. I am a peaceful man and only worked to modernize my country and create a great Middle-Eastern nation.”

St. Peter responds, “Uh-Right! I see. Uh-well there’s no possible way I am going to let you get in here, but my boss created this form that I have to fill out and I need to check all the boxes. Really it’s just a formality at this point but…”

“For what reasons should I open the Pearly Gates and let you into the Kingdom of Heaven? In other words Mr. Hussein, do you have anything to say in your defense?”

“You will let me into your Kingdom of Heaven or I will unleash the mother of all battles upon your walls and I will personally torture you when I am victorious.” Saddam continues, “You will tremble before my might and you shall taste the bottom of my shoe when I am through with you.” Saddam then spits in the general direction of St. Peter and rests his case.

“Okay.” St. Peter says. “That was some speech, but I gotta be honest with you. I was just fuckin’ with you. All that other stuff was immaterial. I can’t let you into Heaven because you’re not a Christian.” St. Peter then pushes the red button and a hole in the clouds opens up and swallows Saddam Hussein. St. Peter says, “Next stop Hell, oh and have fun with that.”

“Next.”

Up steps Gerald Ford. St. Peter flips a few pages in his book and begins, “Mr. Ford. It says here that you were the President of the United States although you were never elected, you played college football… for Michigan, and you were a lawyer. Is what it says here in my Book of Lives true? And oh it says here… you what? You pardoned Richard Nixon? Is that true?”

“The things of which you speak St. Peter are indeed true and I do not regret a single one of them.” Ford responds.

St. Peter continues, “I see. For what reasons should I open the Pearly Gates and let you into the Kingdom of Heaven? In other words Mr. Ford, do you have anything to say in your defense?”

After seeing what happened to Saddam Hussein and seeing how easy James Brown got into Heaven, Ford replies, “Yoooou got, Yoooou got what I need St. Peter. Flim Flam. Okey-Dokey artichokey. Let me jump back, kiss myself. Whooooooaaaaaaaa!!!” As Gerald Ford jumps back to kiss himself, he inevitably trips over himself and falls to the ground.

St. Peter rolls his eyes, “Pathetic. You will spend eternity lying right there greeting our new potential guests.” St. Peter then steps out from behind the podium, tees one up, grips and rips it, and nails Gerald Ford square in the head with a golf ball. Gerald Ford passes out. St. Peter yells, “Fore!”

When Gerald Ford comes to, he asks St. Peter, “Why did you let the funky negro in and not me?” (Gerald Ford is old school and probably still used the word ‘negro’)

St. Peter answers as if it were obvious, “Who James Brown? Soul Brother Number One! Mr. Dynamite! The Hardest Working Man in Show Business!”

“He’s the FATHER OF GOD’S Soul!”

This post was originally posted under my old Blogger account and has been reposted here backdated to its original posting date (how many versions of “post” can I put into a sentence).